Saturday, January 29, 2011

Where's the white trash, Dad?

That's what Ellie just asked me.  I told her to throw something away and she was looking for our trash can, which happens to be white.  "Where's the white trash, Dad?  Did we get rid of the white trash?"

I don't want to insinuate anything, but the Brooklyn Brawler had just left the house.

Anderson was protesting Carla's dinner selection last night.
Anderson:  I'm a dog, and dogs don't eat that kind of noodles.
Carla:  Well, if you're a dog, you'll have to sleep outside in your doghouse tonight.
Anderson:  I'm . . . an inside dog.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Threribble Threes, and how to kill 6 hours at an airport

Anderson:  Dad, how do moms and dads get to school?
Me:  They drive their cars.
Anderson:  No, they ride in school buses.
Me:  No, but a grown up always drives the school bus for the kids.
Anderson:  Does Jesus live in the bus driver's heart?
Me:  Sure, if the bus driver loves Jesus, he lives in his heart.  Just like I love Jesus and he lives in my heart, and you love Jesus and he lives in your heart, right?
Anderson:  No.

Anderson was trying to put on Ellie's oven mitts as we were heading out the door yesterday.
Anderson:  Dad, can you help me put these on?
Me:  Why?
Anderson:  So I can punch you.

Anderson, to Ellie:  Don't unlock it again or I'm gonna wipe snot on your head!
I don't know what she was unlocking but I really hope she didn't do it again.

Oh, did I tell you about when I flew home from NY last week?  My flight was scheduled for 2 but it got canceled, do I didn't get in the air 'till 6:40-ish.  Here's a timeline:
12:20  Arrive at airport, return car, check on flight, find out the next one isn't 'till 6:15.
12:45 - 1:30  Wander around Syracuse airport looking for a good restaurant.
1:35  After realizing that there are only 4 restaurants in Syracuse airport, 2 of which are after security and one of which is only deli sandwiches, settle on Sbarro.  It's my first Sbarro experience ever.  Vow it will be my last.  Start reading paper while I eat.
2:00  Walk into the gift shop, realize that I [heart] NY T-shirts are $18 and not even applicable after a trip to

2:01  Decide the kids will get no gifts from this trip and leave the shop.
2:05  Go to the "Meditation Station" which is a row of chairs with indentations in the cushions and continue reading the paper.  Take 2 Excedrin.
3:00  After reading (REALLY reading) the whole paper, begin to wander again.
3:15  Realize that I've been talking to myself whilst wandering.
3:16  Look around to see if I'm being followed by TSA for wandering aimlessly in an airport talking to myself.
3:20  Try to look casual and pick up a cup of coffee and a consumers' report cars review at the magazine shop.  Notice that the magazine shop has a wide variety of adult magazines with only the titles showing.  One of them comes with 3 DVDs, each with a disgusting title.  Momentarily picture the skinny, pale-skinned fool who would buy that at an airport, immediately derive a nickname for the "Meditation Station" and turn my thoughts back to cars.
3:30  Headache's too bad to look at glossy (car) magazine pages.  At least I have a pretty good buzz going from 2 Excedrin and a cup of coffee.
3:35  Decide to head to security, noting that it is insanely early to do so but realizing I've exhausted every possibility on "the outside."  
3:38  Through security, having almost forgotten to remove my belt (like usual), but having avoided looking suspiciously jittery from my caffeine high.  This was the only time in my life that I had been hoping for a long line at security.  It is also the fastest I had ever made it through.
3:50  Find out the restaurant near my gate (the only one available now) is another Sbarro.  Talk to myself again, just one word, hope it was sufficiently muted.
4:00  Try the magazine again, still too glossy.  Switch to my book (The Hunters, W.E.B. Griffin).
4:30  Break my vow, buy a Sprite and a giant raisin cookie from Sbarro.  Take 2 more Excedrin and 2 Dramamine.  Think about when Carla smiles and rolls her eyes when I pronounce it "Dra-MAM-i-nee."  Think about how I'd be half-way home from Cleveland by now if my flight hadn't gotten canceled.  Make small talk with a guy who goes through that airport every week.  Hope I never go through any airport once a week.  Start reading again.
4:50  A group of people from work show up near my gate for a later flight to somewhere else.  I (barely) know them but join them for company and witty banter.
5:15  Note that I'm extremely hyped up on caffeine but also very sleepy from the Dramamine.  That is one weird feeling.
5:45  Head back to my gate.  We'll probably be boarding soon.  Headache finally going away.
6:10  Chat with a guy from Texas about the cowboys and browns.  Share a concerned moment when we realize it's 6:10 and we haven't even started boarding our 6:15 flight.  Figure we might be there a while.  Start to worry I'd be having bland, cold, overpriced pizza for supper that night.
6:20  Called to board.  Cool.
6:23  Sit down on the plane beside a thin, blond flight attendant who must be just going off-duty.  HE is very polite and speaks with a not-so-subtle effeminate charm.
6:30  To my minor relief, my new friend jumps (floats?) to the open row behind me just before the on-duty flight attendant does her seat check.
6:40-ish  In the air.  I request my usual Ginger Ale.  I get a whole can instead of the customary 1/3 of a can in a cup full of ice.  Best flight ever, I think, as I drift to a caffeine-and-Dramamine-induced-hyper-alert-sleep to the steady drum of the turboprop engines.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Wishing for a "Rainbow Day"

Out of no where, Ellie just shared the following most precious thoughts that must have been on her mind this morning.

Mom, I just can't stop thinking about Spring and Summer.  I think Spring is my favorite season.  Everything is just, just . . . so beautiful.  It's so fun to play outside on a rainbow day.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

What are these, fruit snack doughnuts?

That's what Ellie said when Carla gave her a couple Life Savers Gummies.

Welp, see you later.